I’m back at home now, and I was talking to a few friends of mine. One of them has a person. Let’s call her JumbledTogether. Now, she and I are relatively new friends – in school I think we were just too busy to become close. The past few years though, we’ve begun to share ourselves. She has an incredible head on her shoulders, and I all I want is for her to be happy.
This person of hers is struggling with this disease of mine. This disease that so many wonderful, beautiful people fight on a daily basis. I am so incredibly excited and happy that she has found someone who she thinks she’ll spend the rest of her life with. But she’s not happy. Because he’s not happy. There are three of us standing outside, and she’s tearing up, telling us what’s happening to her beautiful dream. To her person. As we’re talking about how people deal with depression, I realized something for the first time, even though on the surface I’ve known it forever –
Depression doesn’t just pick a victim, it picks the victim’s family and their friends. This is what I’ve always known – of the 8 people living in my house, at any given time at least 3 of us are trying to battle ourselves on a rotating schedule. But what I’d never really realized, or maybe what I never really wanted to realize, is that because I know we’re not alone in our suffering, I can’t keep people in my life. I have always known I’m no good at relationships. I sabotage them before they go too far.
And so we’re standing there, and I’m trying to explain to her what her person is going through, and she just keeps asking what she can do, and if it will work. I have nothing to say – I can’t tell her what will work, because it hasn’t worked for me. I can tell her that of all the couples I know, only one of them has ever made it.
I’ve spent my entire childhood watching them. observing. I’ve come to the conclusion that what makes it work is acceptance.
So that’s what I tell her –
That somedays he’s not going to want to leave the house. No matter how much it means to you. You’re going to show up to things alone even when you RSVP’d for 2. That’s the way it is with us. Remember that he’s trying his best, but even when he’s trying his best he’s going to have bad days. He’s not always going to talk about it. He’s going to push you away. But if he’s your person, I don’t think that it matters. We all have our things, and yes, somedays, we need you to push us, but there are other days when we need to sit in bed in the dark. Even though you may not understand exactly what we’re going through, you staying even when we tell you not to, even when we tell you that we need some time off, or that we’re not together, or that we can’t handle a relationship right now, or that we can’t be there for you, is what will hold us together some days. When we look at you, and need your help, but can’t ask for it, help us anyway. Help us take the world on day by day. Sometimes, it’ll be hour by hour. On the worst days, it’ll be minute by minute. Just stay. Stay with us, learn to accept our disease, and learn to be happy without us. This is the most important part. Find a support system that isn’t just us, because there are going to be days when we’re not there for ourselves, let alone for some one else, even when you need us to be. There may even be a day when we’re not there at all. So cherish the time we’ve got. Know that no matter what happens to us, nothing is your fault. It’s the way we’re wired.
If you happen to have luck like JumbledTogether, and you do fall in love with someone who’s sick like me. Well, good luck*.
Disclaimer – not all depressions are the same. Some do go away, some are environmentally triggered. So if you are living/do love someone who is struggling, urge them to get help. Sometimes, it does work.
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